First Edition

2003-12-12T00:47:00.000-05:00

After tomorrow I will be finished with yet another semester of school. In a little over half a year I will have finished the initial portion of the application process to medical school. I have mixed emotions about that… On one hand I am very, very happy to finally have made tangible progress in school. I had begun to wonder if I had entered into a vortex from which I’d never escape! However, I am intimidated by the next step. And I am afraid of what it might mean for me. I’ve had a difficult time maintaining a sense of distinct identity apart from my academic endeavors this past year, and I imagine my struggle will only intensify once I begin med school. I do not like the fact that I have lost myself (nearly) in the pursuit of my goal. In the end though, I remain sure that I am meant to be a physician. And thus, I walk on.

From what I can tell so far, I have all A’s this semester. Woohoo!

Do I even want to mention my “love life?” No, I don’t think I do.

Cheryl is coming to town. She’ll be here in three days. I’m looking forward to having a good time hanging out with her.

I was reminded the other day of how much “growing up” has changed me. And though many of the changes were “normal” and “natural” parts of the maturation process, other changes that have occurred were not necessitated by the process. For instance, (to use a poor example), when I was young(er), I had the idea that once I could drive, my life would somehow become “better”. Now, I drive without giving it a second thought, and it is merely “something I do”, much as getting up and doing my chores was something I did growing up. This change in attitude towards driving is one of the changes I consider to be a normal and natural part of getting older. But, another type of change has also occurred within me. I very rarely believe anything good about my life anymore. I realize how vague that statement is, and I cannot defend the manner in which I have chosen to express myself, other than to say I know that of which I speak and I believe there are others who can relate to that statement. To clarify it a bit though I would say that I do not mean to say I do often believe bad things about my life. But much, if not most of my life is reduced to living within my own privately crafted rat-race. The parameters are set, the goals are visualized, and the path to achieve those goals is diligently trod. And even that is not quite what gets to me. It’s the fact that that is my all in all. That(!) is what is totally unacceptable to me. I cannot live as a machine programmed to walk a line and spit out the proper results at the right time. My life cannot be confined and defined that narrowly! I want the people around me to be more fascinating to me than my potential MCAT score! I want to believe in love (of the romantic nature), and above even that I want to love (in the deepest nature). I want to remember through experience, what it feels like to lie awake inspired by something or someone.
And I want a return to faith. A return to a spiritual truth to my existence.

2003-11-23T18:10:00.000-05:00

Work was great today. We were very busy, and I was with a doctor I'd never worked with before. We ended the day having seen 19 patients, which is not too shabby. Now I'm off to study MCAT stuff with Kat. Marshall decided we weren't hizzle kizzle (hard core) enough for him. The truth is we aren't. He's (according to him) studying two hours a day, every day, between now and the August MCAT. I'm not that intense. I really don't think I have much to worry about. I got a 32 on the little mock MCAT I just took, without second semester physics or o-chem, and wiothout having ever done any type of MCAT style test before. So with some more practice and a bit more knowledge I should be able to at least replicate that score in April, right? That's what I'm counting on and expecting. I plan to call Cheryl tonight. Woohoo! Overall my day has been a 7/10. We may go bowling later which would bump that rating to an 8 :) Long live the Sunday evening bowling session!

2003-11-22T20:45:00.000-05:00

So I've decided to try again to challenge myself to be creative and write as often as I can. And this is where I've decided to do it.

Me: Why are you so lazy?
Lazy me: don't blame me for your problems.
Me: But....!
Lazy me: Shut up, I'm trying to sleep.

One of the reasons I decided to start this blog, was the enjoyment I've derived from reading a few other blogs over the past few days. Some of the blogs I've run across are hilarious, or moving, or both. And they're nearly all intriguing in one way or the other. Plus, I love the idea that maybe, just maybe someone out there will read mine and enjoy it.